12.03.2012

Down

I really felt at my lowest today. Standing in the rain and cold for half an hour stressing out about time, transport, my paper due in 2 days. Not having my headphones to drown the voices in my head, because they were misplaced. Standing in the tube on the way to class alone and almost breaking down in tears lost in my thoughts replaying that conversation. I don't regret it, but it doesn't lessen the pain. I think about it and I feel that sharp stab in my chest, like an ice pick hacking away. More painful than anything I've ever been through, wishing that I'd rather go through 30 days of period cramps than...this.

Why does this hurt more? Because the last one had no pretenses. There was no qualms that anything was going to happen, we both knew that. This time hurts more because I wasnt stopped from dreaming. The happy moments, the words, the actions then...nothing. Leaving me to wonder what went wrong when nothing changed - but you. And you. No fucking guts to say anything.

I don't know how much more of this I can take. I'm done. I'm finished. I'm broken and it's going to take awhile to believe in this overrated fantasy that seems just so far out of my reach my whole life. I don't and I didn't ask for much even when you said you feel overwhelmed. I know what it's like to want space, believe me I do.

You're a child. That much is obvious now.

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