Every year, every single year it has been my birthday wish, Christmas wish, New Year's wish - for at least a solid 5 years. When will it ever be my turn? 

I just want a hug and a kiss. 



Etude House I Need You Mask Review: Aloe (#2)

Hello hello and welcome to another edition of my Etude House face sheet mask review, where I justify why I have 20+ sheet masks sitting in my fridge crisper next to my grapes, to my mother. Today's ingredient is: ALOE!

I've been having a bit of facial redness recently, due to hormones in overdrive (almost that time of the month, y'know what I mean ladies). As you can see in the pic below I've got a huge red one right above my lip and some cystic ones on my chin. Since aloe is known for it's soothing properties, it only made sense to try this one next.

I know I look the same in this pic and in the last post but I swear both pics were taken on different nights. I just like doing my masks after taking a shower mmkay?

What it's for: "Soothing relief"; Quite apt.

Scent: All if not, most, Etude House masks don't have strong scents and that's what I love most about them. This one had a light "aloe vera-y" smell (real aloe vera like the plant that grows in my garden aren't really fragrant) that wasn't annoying, cloying or irritating to my olfactory system. Great!

Result: The redness on my face and pimple calmed down a bit, and I feel much more moisturised. I would say it did an adequate job.



Etude House I Need You Mask Review: Damask Rose (#1)

The day I had been awaiting had finally arrived: the Etude House outlet in the mall I work in finally had it's year end sale, and what that usually means is...BUY ONE FREE ONE! 

Normal retail price for these sheet masks in Malaysia are usually RM8.00 per packet, with the buy 1 free 1 promo, they go for RM4.00 (less than 1 Euro). Regretting that I hadn't stocked up the last time, I went all out and bought 20 types. Resources on the internet are limited to what these bad boys actually do, thus I have decided to take up the difficult task of trying each and every one of them and posting my reviews for your pleasure. 

Today's sheet is: Damask Rose
sorry I'm too lazy to flip it over, but you get the picture

What it's for: "Fresh moisture", according to the packet. 

Scent: A very lovely light rose scent. I'm very sensitive to strong and heady scents, so I would say that it's super light and not overly cloying. In fact, 5 minutes after putting it on it seemed almost scentless, totally different from the others I've tried previously that had stronger scents.

Texture: thin gel consistency, not as thick as the other I Need You mask offerings (example: Royal Jelly)

I'm trying my best to smize, but the mask is quite constricting
Result: An overall okay-average product in the series. Sure, my skin did feel somewhat more moisturised, but it's not as noticeable in this one compared to the others. However if you're not a fan of the usual sweet/floral/fruity scents and like your sheet mask almost scentless - this one's for you.

does my skin look more supple?

Till the next one!




Been thinking about new year's resolutions. Some new ones in 2016 include...

  1. give without expectations
  2. more love, less ego (going to be hard, but doable if I'm conscious/not PMS-ing)
  3. establish a skin care routine
  4. groom myself for my dream job
  5. take my German learning seriously 



din lilla fitta

It's 2am and you're slightly drunk and you're out in your new dress and even though you're hurting inside when the random stranger-turned-friend of the night asks if he can kiss you, you let him in the hopes it will help with the silent pain you've been harbouring alone since you arrived back. And then you sit under the stars and talk about your exes.
Next week you find yourself at 3am in your car singing loudly to Taylor Swift with a drunk Swede and it's completely platonic but you had so much fun anyway learning how to say "you're a pussy" in Swedish.
And then HE gets mad at you for not responding which really means you know he was expecting a reply and didn't expect that you'd not respond, but you don't know whether you should feel hopeful or empowered or both.




I'm going to take a break, because hopefully in 2 months I won't be here to be sad anymore. I will be in a city I love and that's enough to make me happy. 



I can't deal with this kind of pain. If it's not making me happy, it's getting cut off. Unless things change, I can't keep doing this to myself. 


Too much

I've always been "not enough". Not communicative enough, not informing enough, not intimate enough, not open enough...and like every constructive criticism I receive, I accept and try to work on it.

And now I'm "too much". Overwhelming. Suffocating. Irritating?

Of course you should never listen to everything other people say, and I'm the type to not listen to feedback from people I don't care about. But I care about you, and I want to be my best self; for you, for us. 

You eat at me for not telling you everything. Now you eat at me for demanding too much. 

I'm tired, I'm tired. I just want to be enough. As I am. Just like this. I AM enough. 

We accept the love we think we deserve.

I love you. And I hope that's enough for you.


I can't wait to wake up beside you every morning and shower you with kisses. 

That's how much I miss you.


Someone Like You

"Nevermind I'll find someone like you..."

Well I did, and he is everything and even more. What a difference it is to be treated the way you want to be, given the attention you deserve and be in the company of someone who gives truly and honestly.
I wish you all the best, I really do. You have a special place in my heart, for without you I might never have met him, and I never would have embarked on this journey. So I thank you, really thank you, for everything. Danke shon. Maybe we will be together someday, maybe not. But the world is unpredictable and beautiful and it surprises us in the most wonderful ways.
I wish nothing but the best of you, N. 



Wetlands (Feuchtgebiete)

I've been on MC over the long weekend, and during that made the time to watch two German films. There is after all, no better way to learn a new language than to watch one in its native tongue.
One of them was the controversial Wetlands (or Feuchtgebiete - did I spell that right?), and I'm not going to bother discussing the film or it's supposed NSFW elements. Oh it was definitely quite provocative at a few points, but I can't say I did not find some scenes  - getting eaten out by a hot German boy between her legs, masturbating with veggies in her bathtub or the shaving scene - erotic. Oh how I fantasize for the first one (which actually has happened before hehhehhehhhehhhehheheh hot German included).
Anyway, the appeal the movie surprisingly had on me was Helen's amazing wardrobe!  

Helen actually spends most of the movie in hospital scrubs which is why this is surprising. But the few scenes we had of her in 'normal' clothes were so inspiring! Above: denim cutoffs and this amazingly sexy slashed Bad religion tee cut just so, to show off side boob. Love it! The skateboard only adds to the cool factor. 

My absolute favourite, and the one I am driven to emulate TOMORROW, is the one near the beginning right after she *SPOILER* accidentally cuts her ass. Ok I am not a very sexually deviant person. However the scene of her in that short pleated skirt riding around on her skateboard with blood dripping down her thighs was...kind of erotic. I literally want to go and get myself a pleated skirt, a skateboard and ride around town in a similar outfit - it's just so understatedly sexy. We can do without blood, obviously.



Sometimes I don't know whether I should miss you or forget about you. My mind tells me the latter, but my heart says the former. Every single time I am left alone with my thoughts - in bed, in the bath, by the pool, eating - my mind drifts towards thoughts of you. They say actions speak louder than words and that's all I think of - your actions when we were together. They leave me feeling happy for a while and then I am sad. Heart wrenching, uncontrollable tears.
The saying goes, "the best way to get over someone is to get under another". Believe me this is ill advice. It will only leave your body satisfied but you in a mess crying in the toilet trying to stifle your sobs so the other person can't hear you. It's kind of hard to explain to someone: that they're a rebound and you wanted to try and fuck the pain away but it didn't work so thanks very much I know am crying but let's get it on again now.
The gist of this post is: I miss him (even though I shouldn't), you cannot fuck the pain away and the heart will always want what it wants. Like Ben says, "attraction is not a choice".

I miss him. Ich vermisse dich.


Falling in love again

I'm so tired of falling in love, finding it easier to fall out

I can't deny it

I feel it inside, oh, cupid's fire

Oh, you can't hide
I'm falling in love again, ain't nothing I can do

Falling in love again and this time it's with you

When I fall, it's always the same

And I'm so tired of playing this game.




And we are back to nursing our broken hearts and cruising around for new conquests to bury the pain so it looks like we're winning. 

But matter of fact is, you cannot fuck the pain away.



Be the change you want see.

Starting tomorrow I am going to:

  1. Sign up for a class - what kind is to be decided, but I know for sure it will be something active like Zumba or dance.
  2. Open a new bank account - this account will be my new travel money account. All Ringgits deposited in here will go towards my future RTW trip (hopefully in 5 years so I can take a sabbatical instead of quitting my job because I kinda like my job)
  3. Reinforce/continue current hobbies and skills. I will continue to plow through German and hopefully be (somewhat) fluent in 3 months. Or 6, if we want to be realistic. I will also start knitting again.
  4. I am going to be more aggressive towards my money saving habits. Every penny that is not going towards my savings, RTW trip, or car loan, will be scrutinised.
  5. Start and blog frequently on my new fashion styling/visual merchandising and travel blog. <--- not this one might be hard, but I think solely focusing on the VM aspects first will be ok.
Other things I need to start...

  • sell off old clothes and things I don't need
  • look at passive income streams
  • investments

I want to live a life of adventure and fun. I am tired of sitting here and complaining that I don't have anyone/anything/any money. I want to live life how I want to, where I want to. When people ask, where is Nicole? Oh, she's probably in some faraway city having the time of her fucking life. I want to resolve all personal emotional issues. Break down all barriers and finally live FREE. This will not be easy but it will start TOMORROW (because the bank and studios are not open and its 9pm right now).



Home Alone

Home alone for a week. You eat breakfast for dinner because you can. You sob while re-watching 27 Dresses. You're on auto-pilot when you have to get up for work. You drink vanilla coke and Johnny Walker and try to do anything, absolutely anything, to distract yourself from thinking of him. You will be fine, you just need some time. In exactly 27 days you will be on a plane to Bali, going to learn how to dive. Everything will be just fine.



If it makes you happy

It can't be that bad.

What makes me happy: dressing well/wearing a kick-ass outfit, doing a good job and getting recognition for it, sipping on iced coffee and sitting under the shade in the sunshine, travelling at my own pace, doing something for myself, the idea of finding love.




I complain a lot about it and the amount of money that goes towards it every month,
but now I enjoy taking rides in my car. Singing along to my songs, thinking my thoughts with no distractions, on the way to a new destination. It is mine. Mine all mine.  



Long Overdue

Hi guys,
I'm back. 
I'm sorry for all the emotional posts. I was caught by surprise. I didn't expect everything that happened to...happen, but they did. I'm okay now. I'll get over this. We won't have another repeat of self-destructive Nic in 2013 (although now I have a car that I speed up to 140km on the road to feel the rush), but it's cool. 



When his fingers intertwined with mine. When he grabbed my waist and kissed my forehead. I felt that glimmer indescribable happiness...

and within the pits of the my stomach I knew it would never last. 



Head Over Feet

You held my hand, carried my bag and kissed me in front of everyone - my mistake was letting you.

You've already won me over, in spite of me. I couldn't help it, it's all your fault. 




Life Lesson

When people want to be in your life, they will make the effort to be a part of it. Until then you just march to the beat of your own drum.
I had an amazing time in Thailand. I am finally at peace. 



Hey Nic

Two years ago I vowed to never be that girl again. That girl whose happiness depended on another. I was going to be self-sufficient. I was going to concentrate on my career, my interests, my whims, my intuition. I was going pour out all emotions, build a brick wall and never get too excited over small glimpses of hope - I was going to be a self-centric robot. I was going to be a heartbreaker - not the heartbroken! I was going to fuck with people's emotions and fuck whoever I wanted.
And then it hit me when I least expected it. All because I never wanted to wonder "what if". The first cut is the deepest, yes it's true, but this one isn't any softer. To cry is to show weakness - I will not give in to that urge. I am older, wiser, smarter...

and yet I still don't seem to learn. 


and if you're in love then you are the lucky one;

cause most of us are still bitter over someone



Why can't I too, be an exception to the rule?



When he wore that tank top underneath I literally wanted to PENGSAN!!


New Year

All I really wished for was to feel wanted to New Year's Day. But do I get it no because I'm not an asshole type of friend. 

I guess I could look at this another way: they come and go but cherish your friends who are here to stay. 

AHHHH fuck it. I'm so upset. I was so fucking excited. It never came to fruition. I'm just functioning with no excitement. I feel restless, I need to be reckless. I tell myself not to cry because it's nothing worth crying over. 

I need to stop whining and gain some fucking confidence and conversation.