"I knew this would happen, but I let myself get excited anyway." - Princess Carolyn, Bojack Horseman season 1.

Yes I'm quoting a cartoon whatever 


I don't understand, I really do not fucking understand how this is supposed to fuckinrg goddamn work. I did the tried and true- nada. I tried a different method - nada as well.

Fuck it, I'm just going to be my absolute true self. Take it or leave it. 



I'm torn into two. On one hand it was magical to meet N in Berlin, it confirmed everything I believed he was/is and I know I'm still not over him.

On the other hand, things with N will not change. Everything is the same. 

I like P. P and I share this angry honest relationship. He's kind of like N but not so distant. He's kind of like A but not so affectionate. 

Somehow I think there's more chance of a future with P than N. It could be age. 

Nobody will compare to N, everyone will always be held against him but it doesn't change that I need to move on. I can't keep waiting and pining for someone/something that may not ever happen. 



I can't believe it's been almost 2 years but we talked like nothing's changed and of course you're still magnetic as ever; drawing me into your web of magic and leaving me flailing trying to catch myself from getting tangled deeper and deeper. Oh I've truly missed you. No one would probably ever compare. No one. You're magic. 


Berlin Calling

In about 2 weeks I will be back in Berlin again. Can't believe how much time has passed, and soon I'll be on a plane to Stockholm next week. Itinerary this time round is Stockholm-Berlin-Amsterdam. Hopefully this time in Europe I'll get to catch up with more than a few friends and make plenty more ;)
My last trip was exactly 2 years and 3 months ago (April 2014), so here's some photos I never posted.




Ji Nilsson - Heartbreakfree

If I didn't know better I'd let you touch me, but you can't shut me out if I don't let you in.




Secretly part of me wishes he'd invite me to stay with him again in Berlin. But another deep deep deep part of me tells me he won't. And yet I still fucking hope.




"Am I the sidepiece?" I wondered as I lay on his bed the night after.
I can't really tell if that really affects me or not. From experience my mind tells me in the words of Ji Nilsson, let's be "heartbreakfree". But when he puts his arms around me I can't help but want a little more...and then I stop myself because it is crazy talk. I kinda want to be the only girl, but I also kinda don't want to be your only girl, y'know?

Today as I sat in the Tesco parking lot, I realised that after what happened last year, I am really fucking good and shutting off feelings I don't want to feel. I don't want to feel sad. I don't want to feel angry. I don't want to feel pain. I don't want to feel. Full stop. I sat back in my seat while waiting for the tow truck and dreamt of Stockholm.




Most days I feel fine, as if it didn't mean much. Then I watch a movie like Trainwreck and I end up feeling like one.

Sex is not the gateway to love and commitment. But neither is withholding it going to get you to love and commitment. 

It's amazing how you can do what most perceive as the most intimate act and not have any feelings at all, and then something innocent like holdings hands or a kiss on the forehead hits you like a ton of bricks.

And its little innocent actions like that that set me off. I end up a Trainwreck.